A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket.“

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I’ve got a better idea… just for tonight, let’s pretend we’re married.”

The woman thinks for a moment. “Why not“, she giggles.

“Great“, he replies, “Get your own blanket!“

There was a blonde woman with a very long hair and blue eyes. She was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair black. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheepherder over.

“That’s a nice flock of sheep.“, she said.

“Well thank you.“, said the sheepherder. “Say what, I have a proposition for you.“, said the woman.

“Okay.“, replied the sheepherder.

“If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?“, asked the woman. “Sure“, said the sheepherder.

So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, “two hundred and ninety seven“.

“Wow!“, said the sheepherder. “That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home.“

So the woman went and picked one sheep and put it in her car.

Upon watching this, the sheepherder approached the woman and offered, “Okay, now I have a proposition for you“.

“What is it?“, queried the woman.

“If I can guess the real color of your hair… can I have my dog back?“

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?“

The blonde said, “How about fifty dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the blonde Pinay came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yup!,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.“

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a PORSCHE, it’s a FERRARI“.

Nury Vittachi – THE FAR EASTERN ECONOMIC REVIEW

THERE’S A SIGN on Congressional Avenue in Manila that says: “Parking for Costumers Only.” This may be a misspelling of “customer,” but the Philippines is so full of theatrical, brightly dressed individuals that I prefer to think that it may literally mean what it says.

This week, we shall take a “reading tour” of one of the most spirited communities in Asia . The Philippines is full of word play. The local accent among many Filipinos, in which English words with “F” are spelled and pronounced with the sound of “P” and V is pronounced as “B” (because the Philippine alphabet has no letters F or V), is often used very cleverly, such as, the sign in a flower shop in Diliman called Petal Attraction.

Much of the word play in the Philippines is deliberate with retailers and various businesses favouring a play on names of Western establishments and celebrities (Americans, in particular—movie stars and entertainment personalities, specially).

For example, there is a bread shop in Manila called Anita Bakery, a 24-hour restaurant called Doris Day and Night, a garment shop called Elizabeth Tailoring, and a barber shop called Felix The Cut.

Reader Robert Harland also spotted a bakery named Bread Pitt, and a Makati fast-food place selling “maruya” (banana fritters) called Maruya Carey. Then, there are Christopher Plumbing, and a boutique called The Way We Wear; a video rental shop called Leon King Video Rental; a restaurant in the Cainta district of Rizal called Caintacky Fried Chicken, a
local burger restaurant called Mang Donald’s, a doughnut shop called MacDonuts, a shop selling “lumpia” (egg roll) in Makati called Wrap and Roll, and two butcher shops called Meating Place and Meatropolis.

Smart travellers can decipher what may look like baffling signs to unaccustomed foreigners by simply sounding out the “Taglish” (the Philippine version of English words spelled and pronounced with a heavy Filipino accent), such as, at a restaurant menu in Cebu : “We hab sopdrink in can an in batol” [translation: We have soft drinks in can and in
bottle]. Then, there is a sewing accessories shop called Bids And Pises [translation: Beads and Pieces --or-- Bits and Pieces].

There are also many signs with either badly chosen or misspelled words, but they are usually so entertaining that it would be a mistake to “correct” them. A reader named Antonio “Tonyboy” Ramon T. Ongsiako, (now there’s a truly Filipino name), contributed the following interesting Philippine signs and advertisements:

In a restaurant in Baguio City (the “summer capital” of the Philippines): “Wanted: Boy Waitress“; on a highway in Pampanga: “We Make Modern Antique Furniture;” on the window of a photography shop in Cabanatuan : “We Shoot You While You Wait;” and on the glass front of a cafe in Panay Avenue in Manila: “Wanted: Waiter, Cashier, Washier.”

Some of the notices can even give a wrong impression, such as, a shoe store in Pangasinan which has a sign saying: “We Sell Imported Robber Shoes” (these could be the “sneakiest” sneakers); and a rental property sign in Jaro, Iloilo reads:
“House For Rent, Fully Furnaced” (it must really be hot inside)!

Occasionally, one could come across signs that are truly unique–if not altogether odd. Reader Gunilla Edlund submitted a sign that she saw at the ticket booth in the ferry pier in Davao City in southern Philippines , which said: “Adults: 1 peso; Child: 50 centavos; Cadavers: fare subject to negotiation.” European tourists may also be intrigued to discover two competing shops selling hopia (a Chinese pastry) called Holland Hopia and Poland Hopia, which are owned and operated by two local Chinese entrepreneurs, Mr. Ho and Mr. Po respectively–(believe it or not)!

Some folks also “creatively” redesign English to be more efficient “The creative confusion between language and culture leads to more than just simple unintentional errors in syntax, but in the adoption of new words,” says reader Robert Goodfellow, who came across a sign that said: “House Fersallarend” (house for sale or rent). Why use five words when two will do?

According to Manila businessman, Tonyboy Ongsiako, there is so much wit in the Philippines because “… we are a country where a good sense of humour is needed to survive. We have a 24-hour comedy show here called the government and a huge reserve of comedians made up mostly of politicians and bad actors.

This is from an open letter from a young man discussing his views regarding the forthcoming election in May this year in the Philippines.

Dear Fellow Filipino,

Good day to all of you! Before I begin my letter… just a disclaimer, for people who know me they know that I love the Philippines very much and I am not really one who rants and complaints to high heavens about what is happening to our country and does nothing about it, in fact, I feel that at my relatively young age of 27, I have done much service to the Philippines by setting up Pathways to Higher Education which has sent more than 500 poor but deserving students to college and AHON Foundation which has already built two public elementary school libraries that have benefitted more than 3,500 students. Yet, after seeing how events in our nation have transpired the past few weeks and talking with some friends, I feel the urge to share with you my own thoughts and feelings.

Over the weekend, we saw the completion of two major political alliances for this coming Senate elections that has just began here in  the Philippines . Now we have two political forces with familiar faces nonetheless on opposite sides of the fences. On one end, you have Tito  Sotto and Tessie Aquino-Oreta who were two major stalwarts of the  opposition and the FPJ Campaign in 2004 hobnobbing with the woman  (Pres. GMA) whom they claimed to have cheated FPJ in the last Presidential Elections.On the other side of the fence, you see Manny Villar, the former house speaker who was actually responsible for impeaching Erap now part of the United Opposition who is led by noless than… Erap himself. Now if you don’t see anything wrong with this picture then you must be one of the many Filipinos who have accepted this very sad reality that there is indeed no permanent ideals that our government leaders stand up for but rather they justgo where there self-interests can best be served. It is this kind of politics why I no longer wonder why good people like Ramon Magsaysay Awardee Mayor Jesse Robredo of Naga City or outstanding Bulacan Governor Josie Dela Cruz will find it hard or worse, never be elected to national positions.

It is with these in mind that I’d like to share with you what are  events this coming May elections that will make me consider leaving  the Philippines :  

  
1. If former COMELEC Commissioner Virgilio Garcillano of Hello Garci fame wins in his bid to become Congressman of Bukidnon…seeking to replace a good man no less in incumbent Cong. Neric Acosta… We would   really be the laughing stock of the whole world if we allow a man with the reputation of Garci to be one of our so called “Honorable Gentlemen”.
2. If Dancing Queen Tessie Aquino Oreta reclaims her seat at the  Senate… I hope that all of us would still remember that dance that she did during the 2001 impeachment hearings after they voted to  overrule the decision of then Chief Justice Davide… let us make sure  that people like her never make it to the Senate again.
3. If Richard Gomez becomes a senator… what does he know about  making laws? We already have the likes of Bong Revilla and Lito Lapid  in the Senate and their performance or lack of it would be reason enough not to elect another actor who has no prior experience in  government to the distinguished halls of the Senate.
4. If Gringo Honasan wins again…. have we not learned our lesson? I cannot believe that just because someone is charismatic then we will just elect him to become one of our senators despite the fact that he  has time and again caused so much instability in our country… if we want a military junta similar to that of Thailand … then lets all  vote for this guy….
5. If Manny Pacquiao becomes Congressman of General Santos City… everybody loves Manny the Boxing Champ but Manny the Lawmaker? Lets be realistic here, Manny is our Hero alright but I think it takes more   than just great boxing skills and a desire to serve to be able to make appropriate laws that would help uplift the lives of the many Filipinos who live in Poverty.
6. If Lito Lapid wins for Mayor of Makati City… I don’t like Jojo  Binay as well but Lito Lapid as city mayor of the country’s finance and business center?!?! And do you really think he is from Makati and has good plans for the city? The Arroyos asking someone like him to run just goes to show you how much love and concern this government has for our country.
7. If Chavit Singson becomes a Senator, Illegal Gambling = Chavit…  enough said.
8. Now if all of these 7 things happen during this coming elections then  don’t be surprised if I decide to leave this country that I love  dearly. Like I said during the first part of my letter, I feel that I  have done much for this country but I think its time that Filipinos  become more vigilant and critical in selecting our leaders for the sake of our future and the generations that will go beyond us. So I appeal to every Filipino who asks what can I actually do for my  country… Choose and vote for the right people this coming elections,  huwag na tayong magpaloko sa mga kandidatong maganda lang ang jingle o  gwapo lang sa mga poster. Let us choose leaders who have a good track record for service and who are genuinely committed towards serving our  country.

Manindigan naman tayong lahat para sa ating Kinabukasan at para sa Kapakanan ng ating Bayan!

Harvey S. Keh

by: Elizabeth Barrett Browning (1806-1861)
 
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways…

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, — I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! — and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Isn’t it funny that a man’s silence can break a woman’s heart into a thousand pieces, while a woman’s silence can give a man thousand moments of peace?

See how different people answer this question:

Back to work after watching the endless rows of hopelessly romantic couples celebrating the Valentine’s Day yesterday.

One thing that caught my eyes though, a couple on their late 70’s is having a candelit dinner at Greenwich in Citimart. Wow! After all those years…

A Song by Jose Mari Chan. For Liezel on the occassion of Valentine’s Day 2007 

Thank you for the smile
That never fails to brighten my day
For the tender look
When you gaze at me with eyes that warm my heart
For the music of your laughter,
Touch that makes my pulse go faster
Thanks for all the memories of a lifetime
Thank you for the fire you have set ablaze within me
With your kisses you´ve awakened
This old heart from its slumber
I feel like 17 again,
It´s all because of you
Thanks for choosing me from all the rest
Though I´m far from being the best.
Most of all I want to thank you, love,
for loving me.