Let’s Pretend We’re Married

 A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket.“

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I’ve got a better idea… just for tonight, let’s pretend we’re married.”

The woman thinks for a moment. “Why not“, she giggles.

“Great“, he replies, “Get your own blanket!“

 

There was a blonde woman with a very long hair and blue eyes. She was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair black. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheepherder over.

“That’s a nice flock of sheep.“, she said.

“Well thank you.“, said the sheepherder. “Say what, I have a proposition for you.“, said the woman.

“Okay.“, replied the sheepherder.

“If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?“, asked the woman. “Sure“, said the sheepherder.

So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, “two hundred and ninety seven“.

“Wow!“, said the sheepherder. “That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home.“

So the woman went and picked one sheep and put it in her car.

Upon watching this, the sheepherder approached the woman and offered, “Okay, now I have a proposition for you“.

“What is it?“, queried the woman.

“If I can guess the real color of your hair… can I have my dog back?“

 

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?“

The blonde said, “How about fifty dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the blonde Pinay came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yup!,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.“

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a PORSCHE, it’s a FERRARI“.

 

Filipino Signs Of Wit

Nury Vittachi – THE FAR EASTERN ECONOMIC REVIEW

THERE’S A SIGN on Congressional Avenue in Manila that says: “Parking for Costumers Only.” This may be a misspelling of “customer,” but the Philippines is so full of theatrical, brightly dressed individuals that I prefer to think that it may literally mean what it says.

This week, we shall take a “reading tour” of one of the most spirited communities in Asia . The Philippines is full of word play. The local accent among many Filipinos, in which English words with “F” are spelled and pronounced with the sound of “P” and V is pronounced as “B” (because the Philippine alphabet has no letters F or V), is often used very cleverly, such as, the sign in a flower shop in Diliman called Petal Attraction.

Much of the word play in the Philippines is deliberate with retailers and various businesses favouring a play on names of Western establishments and celebrities (Americans, in particular—movie stars and entertainment personalities, specially).

For example, there is a bread shop in Manila called Anita Bakery, a 24-hour restaurant called Doris Day and Night, a garment shop called Elizabeth Tailoring, and a barber shop called Felix The Cut.

Reader Robert Harland also spotted a bakery named Bread Pitt, and a Makati fast-food place selling “maruya” (banana fritters) called Maruya Carey. Then, there are Christopher Plumbing, and a boutique called The Way We Wear; a video rental shop called Leon King Video Rental; a restaurant in the Cainta district of Rizal called Caintacky Fried Chicken, a
local burger restaurant called Mang Donald’s, a doughnut shop called MacDonuts, a shop selling “lumpia” (egg roll) in Makati called Wrap and Roll, and two butcher shops called Meating Place and Meatropolis.

Smart travellers can decipher what may look like baffling signs to unaccustomed foreigners by simply sounding out the “Taglish” (the Philippine version of English words spelled and pronounced with a heavy Filipino accent), such as, at a restaurant menu in Cebu : “We hab sopdrink in can an in batol” [translation: We have soft drinks in can and in
bottle]. Then, there is a sewing accessories shop called Bids And Pises [translation: Beads and Pieces --or-- Bits and Pieces].

There are also many signs with either badly chosen or misspelled words, but they are usually so entertaining that it would be a mistake to “correct” them. A reader named Antonio “Tonyboy” Ramon T. Ongsiako, (now there’s a truly Filipino name), contributed the following interesting Philippine signs and advertisements:

In a restaurant in Baguio City (the “summer capital” of the Philippines): “Wanted: Boy Waitress“; on a highway in Pampanga: “We Make Modern Antique Furniture;” on the window of a photography shop in Cabanatuan : “We Shoot You While You Wait;” and on the glass front of a cafe in Panay Avenue in Manila: “Wanted: Waiter, Cashier, Washier.”

Some of the notices can even give a wrong impression, such as, a shoe store in Pangasinan which has a sign saying: “We Sell Imported Robber Shoes” (these could be the “sneakiest” sneakers); and a rental property sign in Jaro, Iloilo reads:
“House For Rent, Fully Furnaced” (it must really be hot inside)!

Occasionally, one could come across signs that are truly unique–if not altogether odd. Reader Gunilla Edlund submitted a sign that she saw at the ticket booth in the ferry pier in Davao City in southern Philippines , which said: “Adults: 1 peso; Child: 50 centavos; Cadavers: fare subject to negotiation.” European tourists may also be intrigued to discover two competing shops selling hopia (a Chinese pastry) called Holland Hopia and Poland Hopia, which are owned and operated by two local Chinese entrepreneurs, Mr. Ho and Mr. Po respectively–(believe it or not)!

Some folks also “creatively” redesign English to be more efficient “The creative confusion between language and culture leads to more than just simple unintentional errors in syntax, but in the adoption of new words,” says reader Robert Goodfellow, who came across a sign that said: “House Fersallarend” (house for sale or rent). Why use five words when two will do?

According to Manila businessman, Tonyboy Ongsiako, there is so much wit in the Philippines because “… we are a country where a good sense of humour is needed to survive. We have a 24-hour comedy show here called the government and a huge reserve of comedians made up mostly of politicians and bad actors.